Thursday, 24 November 2011

And back to the very beginning....

It's a surreal moment when you hold that pregnancy stick in your hand
and there are two little blue lines, your heart skips a beat and you grab the instructions to triple check what you already know...two lines for yes, one for no..

Then the shock sets in and so many emotions pour through the flood gates, happiness, joy, elation, disbelief and before you know where you are, out goes the caffeine, the wine, the blue cheese and the blah blah blah....along comes the morning sickness and the constant weeing and the exhaustion etc etc but somehow all you care about is getting through those first twelve weeks so you can relax, feel safe and go to your scan and see your gorgeous wee 'alien lookalike' on the screen.

Well, Nothing prepares you for the moment in that scan when you are told that there is no fetal heartbeat????what the hell does that mean, you can see your baby on the screen!!!!! Turn the bloody volume up you fool or go get someone else who know's what they are doing....and as If they have read your mind they come back with somebody else who says "i'm sorry to say" ...and thats it, your world stops and in my case I think may have stopped for a lot of my son's first year at school. A sort of numbness sets in that allows you to go through the motions of living but a part of you has died, along with your beautiful baby and in your heart you know you will never fully recover from the loss/grief but down the line you will slowly learn to live with it.

No one knew I was pregnant at my son's nursery so When I eventually turned up looking like I felt (totally shocked, totally distraught and totally grief stricken) the owner of the nursery mistakenly thought I must have heard about all the chaos/drama that was happening in the nursery.

So, in the midst of my grief, she took me aside to tell me of my 'friend's' campaign to keep the two boys apart. Can you imagine how this felt, tears streamed down my face but these were tears of utter disbelief, i thought for one awful moment she had somehow found out about my miscarriage and wanted to offer words of comfort (which in itself was a nightmare and something i couldn't cope with at the time) not that there was an issue in the nursery. I mean I knew there had been a few issues but I had no idea that when peace was restored with the boys, war had continued to rage for the parents! Well one half of the parents that is...

I think/know I would have been spitting fireballs in my 'normal mind', on hearing what was happening behind my back, in my son's nursery but given my situation at the time, I just decided it would pass, to hell with her and her lunacy etc etc. Also, they assured me that my son and i had done nothing wrong. They said he was a beautiful little boy who was kind and sensitive, extremely popular and loved his best pal. The problem here, was not he children, but the unnecessary adult intervention. It did help that they told my 'friend' that her child would have to be excluded from the nursery if she did not stop her insane campaign. The end of it one would think...Til next time.....

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