Hi honey,I'm home....where have I been...well first there was Christmas, then New year, then the Mother in law came to stay, birthday parties had to be planned and executed and blah blah blah, anyway I'm back....and the story continues....
But before I start, it has been said that I digress from time to time in my blog and unfortunately I have to accept full responsibility in this instance..Perhaps I should explain, at the moment I am writing my blog retrospectively, with the eventual hope that one day...I will be writing in the present...but there are some days that my mind wanders shamelessly into the present, somewhat escaping the past, so should this happen from time to time please find it in your heart to forgive my momentary lapses....
Oh Dear, I am digressing in my explanation of my digression....enough already....
So the summer before my son started school was joyous in the escape from the nursery. We somehow managed not to come into any contact with my "ex friend" and her son...and living in a small village you would wonder how that was possible without exceptional planning but hey... mine is not to question why but to accept what simly put, is divine...what a relief, no more cat and mouse activity twice daily...Normal life resumed that is until the summer comes to a beautiful end and my son's first day at school beckons...
Omg, walking through the school gates feeling full of nerves verses tremendous excitement, verses wanting to cry, verses omg... Here he is my four year old " baby" dressed just like his dad on route to work...shirt, tie, jumper, trousers....the long one's and black patent shoes and a book bag resembling a big boys briefcase...omg he looks so grown up until u see that lower lip tremble at the school gates. In that moment I wanted to scoop him up there and then, into my arms and run all the way home, only returning on his 18th birthday...
We enter the playground, Daddy, Mummy and my " baby " ...and then we see her?.. my " ex friend " glaring over like a rabbit caught in the headlights, omg what to do, what to do??? And before I have a chance to decide??? she turns her back and I realise the war rages on ....til next time....
Tuesday 14 February 2012
Sunday 4 December 2011
The war rages on....
It's amazing how one can learn to avoid a person oh so well, it fast becomes second nature and a nice little routine develops.
So that's what happened, I turned up a little later in the morning to the nursery thus avoiding any contact with my 'friend' and arrived a little earlier for the pick up and all was going fabulously well until... one morning, After, the bloody nursery run, when I found myself on a pelican crossing with me one side and her the other....omg I nearly passed out peacefully...no where to run and staring down what felt like the barrel of a gun and what to do??????well eyes down and the quick step of course, but however quick I tried to step it out, it took an age to get past her and I will never forget the feeling...I had been friends with this woman, had our babies weighed on a weekly basis together, had birthday parties, shared toys and clothes etc etc and now here we are, strangers in the night, who can't wait to get away from one another, can't even look at one another...
How sad eh but that's life. In hindsight I wish I could have dealt with the situation in a different way, exactly how i don't know? one side of me would have loved to have given her a kick up the .... And demanded an explanation...hoping she would say, sorry, temporary insanity and I could say ok, major slap wrist now let's move on but the other side of me was in a place of grieving turmoil that couldn't even for a moment contemplate a single word....Til next time...
So that's what happened, I turned up a little later in the morning to the nursery thus avoiding any contact with my 'friend' and arrived a little earlier for the pick up and all was going fabulously well until... one morning, After, the bloody nursery run, when I found myself on a pelican crossing with me one side and her the other....omg I nearly passed out peacefully...no where to run and staring down what felt like the barrel of a gun and what to do??????well eyes down and the quick step of course, but however quick I tried to step it out, it took an age to get past her and I will never forget the feeling...I had been friends with this woman, had our babies weighed on a weekly basis together, had birthday parties, shared toys and clothes etc etc and now here we are, strangers in the night, who can't wait to get away from one another, can't even look at one another...
How sad eh but that's life. In hindsight I wish I could have dealt with the situation in a different way, exactly how i don't know? one side of me would have loved to have given her a kick up the .... And demanded an explanation...hoping she would say, sorry, temporary insanity and I could say ok, major slap wrist now let's move on but the other side of me was in a place of grieving turmoil that couldn't even for a moment contemplate a single word....Til next time...
Thursday 24 November 2011
And back to the very beginning....
It's a surreal moment when you hold that pregnancy stick in your hand
and there are two little blue lines, your heart skips a beat and you grab the instructions to triple check what you already know...two lines for yes, one for no..
Then the shock sets in and so many emotions pour through the flood gates, happiness, joy, elation, disbelief and before you know where you are, out goes the caffeine, the wine, the blue cheese and the blah blah blah....along comes the morning sickness and the constant weeing and the exhaustion etc etc but somehow all you care about is getting through those first twelve weeks so you can relax, feel safe and go to your scan and see your gorgeous wee 'alien lookalike' on the screen.
Well, Nothing prepares you for the moment in that scan when you are told that there is no fetal heartbeat????what the hell does that mean, you can see your baby on the screen!!!!! Turn the bloody volume up you fool or go get someone else who know's what they are doing....and as If they have read your mind they come back with somebody else who says "i'm sorry to say" ...and thats it, your world stops and in my case I think may have stopped for a lot of my son's first year at school. A sort of numbness sets in that allows you to go through the motions of living but a part of you has died, along with your beautiful baby and in your heart you know you will never fully recover from the loss/grief but down the line you will slowly learn to live with it.
No one knew I was pregnant at my son's nursery so When I eventually turned up looking like I felt (totally shocked, totally distraught and totally grief stricken) the owner of the nursery mistakenly thought I must have heard about all the chaos/drama that was happening in the nursery.
So, in the midst of my grief, she took me aside to tell me of my 'friend's' campaign to keep the two boys apart. Can you imagine how this felt, tears streamed down my face but these were tears of utter disbelief, i thought for one awful moment she had somehow found out about my miscarriage and wanted to offer words of comfort (which in itself was a nightmare and something i couldn't cope with at the time) not that there was an issue in the nursery. I mean I knew there had been a few issues but I had no idea that when peace was restored with the boys, war had continued to rage for the parents! Well one half of the parents that is...
I think/know I would have been spitting fireballs in my 'normal mind', on hearing what was happening behind my back, in my son's nursery but given my situation at the time, I just decided it would pass, to hell with her and her lunacy etc etc. Also, they assured me that my son and i had done nothing wrong. They said he was a beautiful little boy who was kind and sensitive, extremely popular and loved his best pal. The problem here, was not he children, but the unnecessary adult intervention. It did help that they told my 'friend' that her child would have to be excluded from the nursery if she did not stop her insane campaign. The end of it one would think...Til next time.....
and there are two little blue lines, your heart skips a beat and you grab the instructions to triple check what you already know...two lines for yes, one for no..
Then the shock sets in and so many emotions pour through the flood gates, happiness, joy, elation, disbelief and before you know where you are, out goes the caffeine, the wine, the blue cheese and the blah blah blah....along comes the morning sickness and the constant weeing and the exhaustion etc etc but somehow all you care about is getting through those first twelve weeks so you can relax, feel safe and go to your scan and see your gorgeous wee 'alien lookalike' on the screen.
Well, Nothing prepares you for the moment in that scan when you are told that there is no fetal heartbeat????what the hell does that mean, you can see your baby on the screen!!!!! Turn the bloody volume up you fool or go get someone else who know's what they are doing....and as If they have read your mind they come back with somebody else who says "i'm sorry to say" ...and thats it, your world stops and in my case I think may have stopped for a lot of my son's first year at school. A sort of numbness sets in that allows you to go through the motions of living but a part of you has died, along with your beautiful baby and in your heart you know you will never fully recover from the loss/grief but down the line you will slowly learn to live with it.
No one knew I was pregnant at my son's nursery so When I eventually turned up looking like I felt (totally shocked, totally distraught and totally grief stricken) the owner of the nursery mistakenly thought I must have heard about all the chaos/drama that was happening in the nursery.
So, in the midst of my grief, she took me aside to tell me of my 'friend's' campaign to keep the two boys apart. Can you imagine how this felt, tears streamed down my face but these were tears of utter disbelief, i thought for one awful moment she had somehow found out about my miscarriage and wanted to offer words of comfort (which in itself was a nightmare and something i couldn't cope with at the time) not that there was an issue in the nursery. I mean I knew there had been a few issues but I had no idea that when peace was restored with the boys, war had continued to rage for the parents! Well one half of the parents that is...
I think/know I would have been spitting fireballs in my 'normal mind', on hearing what was happening behind my back, in my son's nursery but given my situation at the time, I just decided it would pass, to hell with her and her lunacy etc etc. Also, they assured me that my son and i had done nothing wrong. They said he was a beautiful little boy who was kind and sensitive, extremely popular and loved his best pal. The problem here, was not he children, but the unnecessary adult intervention. It did help that they told my 'friend' that her child would have to be excluded from the nursery if she did not stop her insane campaign. The end of it one would think...Til next time.....
Friday 18 November 2011
Friday bloody Friday, I love it and I hate it????
It's amazing I have a cleaner that comes on a Friday morning and one would think lucky old you, however for some reason it's the day of the week I like least.....
I have to get up earlier than usual, and i run myself ragged before the bloody school run which ends up being a mad dash no matter how early i get up!!!!and what the hell am I doing? I am unbelievably cleaning up before the cleaner gets here!! I know bonkers, i know .....And does she thank me? No, she comments on how easy it is to let one's house get into a state when one has kids!!!!
So I'm a ball of sweat running down the road to school, seconds to go before the bloody bell rings and hoping the sun is out so I can wear my sunglasses so no one will see my missing mascara and my flipping puffy eyes...
Who wouldn't have a cleaner huh, it's a bloody joy : ( til next time
I have to get up earlier than usual, and i run myself ragged before the bloody school run which ends up being a mad dash no matter how early i get up!!!!and what the hell am I doing? I am unbelievably cleaning up before the cleaner gets here!! I know bonkers, i know .....And does she thank me? No, she comments on how easy it is to let one's house get into a state when one has kids!!!!
So I'm a ball of sweat running down the road to school, seconds to go before the bloody bell rings and hoping the sun is out so I can wear my sunglasses so no one will see my missing mascara and my flipping puffy eyes...
Who wouldn't have a cleaner huh, it's a bloody joy : ( til next time
Thursday 17 November 2011
So let's start at the very beginning......
So it was my sons final year in nursery and all was well until the last term..
Damn and blast he fell out with his best pal, two weeks of hell, why? Who knows? But no blood was drawn thank heavens!! For me, It was a simple case of two little boys behaving like well two little boys, one minute the best of friends, the next mortal enemies...I love you, I hate you scenario...sound familiar? This you imagine was no big deal except unbeknownst to me at the time, would have a huge impact on my sons first two years at school...how I hear say...
Well they say it's never the kids that are the problem, it's the adult intervention and in this case omg how right they are!! I was good friends with this mum and so therefore would have thought we could just talk to the boys, try and establish the problem, come up with a plan to encourage the return of peace, perhaps remind them to be kind to each other etc etc and then jog on...but it turned into daggers at dawn...
I have friends who have older kids and you hear of parents falling out over the silliest of things but I would never have guessed it would start at the Bloody nursery gates and with a person you thought was your levelheaded friend. As parents I think we tend to gravitate to people we consider to be like minded, similiar parenting styles etc but im afraid my radar was a bit bucked in this case. That said and on mature reflection I think I let a lot of things
"go" that with hindsight should have been warning lights but the boys were such good friends I figured I would choose my battles wisely.
So what happened was my "friend" started to avoid me, at first I didn't notice but after a few days something felt a tad strange...we normally stayed behind for a chat whilst the boys played but there Was skid marks left behind with her every departure, so finally I asked her if all was ok and she said she felt the boys needed some space. I was a tad surprised but ok fair enough, mid term break was coming up so space it was, perfect...
Back they went and yahoo peace was restored, normal best palship resumed, no more problems...But alas not for one mother, who decided that it didn't matter that all was well with the boys as all was not well with her!!
What then followed was a month of hell for the nursery staff, constant demands from my "friend" that her son be kept away from my devil child who she feared was " teaching her son violence" (a fine achievement for a 4 year old, not quite yet out of nappies and still in fearful possession of his dummy). I of course did not know any of this at the time, the nursery thought the situation was crackers but were trying to accomodate a somewhat unhinged situation.
I was however aware that we were not talking, as the skid marks had returned making that quite clear but the boys were happy so I figured it would eventually sort itself out. I have to admit I was well peed off at the situation but I was pregnant at the time and as u can imagine I had other things on my mind.
Sadly I lost my baby just before my 12 week scan and then this crap paled into insignificance.
Its amazing how you can be in so caught up in mindless drama and at the time it seems to be all that matters and then something like this happens and reality kicks in, your world crumbles and
....til the next time
Damn and blast he fell out with his best pal, two weeks of hell, why? Who knows? But no blood was drawn thank heavens!! For me, It was a simple case of two little boys behaving like well two little boys, one minute the best of friends, the next mortal enemies...I love you, I hate you scenario...sound familiar? This you imagine was no big deal except unbeknownst to me at the time, would have a huge impact on my sons first two years at school...how I hear say...
Well they say it's never the kids that are the problem, it's the adult intervention and in this case omg how right they are!! I was good friends with this mum and so therefore would have thought we could just talk to the boys, try and establish the problem, come up with a plan to encourage the return of peace, perhaps remind them to be kind to each other etc etc and then jog on...but it turned into daggers at dawn...
I have friends who have older kids and you hear of parents falling out over the silliest of things but I would never have guessed it would start at the Bloody nursery gates and with a person you thought was your levelheaded friend. As parents I think we tend to gravitate to people we consider to be like minded, similiar parenting styles etc but im afraid my radar was a bit bucked in this case. That said and on mature reflection I think I let a lot of things
"go" that with hindsight should have been warning lights but the boys were such good friends I figured I would choose my battles wisely.
So what happened was my "friend" started to avoid me, at first I didn't notice but after a few days something felt a tad strange...we normally stayed behind for a chat whilst the boys played but there Was skid marks left behind with her every departure, so finally I asked her if all was ok and she said she felt the boys needed some space. I was a tad surprised but ok fair enough, mid term break was coming up so space it was, perfect...
Back they went and yahoo peace was restored, normal best palship resumed, no more problems...But alas not for one mother, who decided that it didn't matter that all was well with the boys as all was not well with her!!
What then followed was a month of hell for the nursery staff, constant demands from my "friend" that her son be kept away from my devil child who she feared was " teaching her son violence" (a fine achievement for a 4 year old, not quite yet out of nappies and still in fearful possession of his dummy). I of course did not know any of this at the time, the nursery thought the situation was crackers but were trying to accomodate a somewhat unhinged situation.
I was however aware that we were not talking, as the skid marks had returned making that quite clear but the boys were happy so I figured it would eventually sort itself out. I have to admit I was well peed off at the situation but I was pregnant at the time and as u can imagine I had other things on my mind.
Sadly I lost my baby just before my 12 week scan and then this crap paled into insignificance.
Its amazing how you can be in so caught up in mindless drama and at the time it seems to be all that matters and then something like this happens and reality kicks in, your world crumbles and
....til the next time
Wednesday 16 November 2011
Hello....I'm a mum on the run from the school run, care to join me......
I never thought that "I" would go back to school when my son started school, but one year later and thats what happened in every sense of the word..(at least where my emotions are concerned)..and there is nothing that prepares you for the wrath that is a certain section of those, let's just say, not so yummy mummies in the playground...
It's amazing I'm a 43 yr old mum to a 5 yr old boy and standing in that playground or sitting in those little chairs at parent teacher meetings and I am periodically reduced to a quivering 4 year old wreck and I want to shout where's my mummy gone????...when did this happen? I appear to have grown up and yet I feel like a fake and at any moment somebody will call my mum and ask why she is not at the meeting ???
I remember oh so we'll being at school and how important it was to avoid being bullied, but i was lucky i had a good sense of humour and as a result was a popular kid who mixed with the good, the bad and the well....who could say??? But now it's my sons turn and in one year we have experienced being bullied in such a heartbreaking way.I could never have contemplated that this could happen to us even though you hear it all the time, kids being bullied at school that is, but kids and their parents being bullied by other parents is a new one on me....
I met my friend for lunch today and he suggested I start a blog as he is amazed by all my tales and for me it would be a form of therapy. I loved the idea so much, here it is, although I probably need to start at the beginning so til next time....
It's amazing I'm a 43 yr old mum to a 5 yr old boy and standing in that playground or sitting in those little chairs at parent teacher meetings and I am periodically reduced to a quivering 4 year old wreck and I want to shout where's my mummy gone????...when did this happen? I appear to have grown up and yet I feel like a fake and at any moment somebody will call my mum and ask why she is not at the meeting ???
I remember oh so we'll being at school and how important it was to avoid being bullied, but i was lucky i had a good sense of humour and as a result was a popular kid who mixed with the good, the bad and the well....who could say??? But now it's my sons turn and in one year we have experienced being bullied in such a heartbreaking way.I could never have contemplated that this could happen to us even though you hear it all the time, kids being bullied at school that is, but kids and their parents being bullied by other parents is a new one on me....
I met my friend for lunch today and he suggested I start a blog as he is amazed by all my tales and for me it would be a form of therapy. I loved the idea so much, here it is, although I probably need to start at the beginning so til next time....
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